The rock heiress and pop culture debutante mouths off (surprise!) about music, gays and life under a lens.
By Paul Flynn
Kelly Osbourne-the unrivalled pop culture princess of the new millennium (hey it's only three years old)-is stumped. She's trying to name her most favorite gay man in the world. "There's just so fucking many to choose from," she whines on the line from Beverly Hills. It's Saturday, 11:30am in sunny L.A. Osbourne is gearing up for string of worldwide tour and promo dates that will take her across the planet (yes, The Osbournes are a global phenomenon) including stops in London for a perf on the UK's TV staple, Top of the Pops and stops all over the U.S. including a second visit to Gotham's own Irving Plaza tonight. And in a time when our musical princesses-no matter if they're selling smolder and sex directly (Britney, Christina), serving up attitude with their own brand of polished punky glamour (Pink, Avril Lavigne) or they're positioning themselves as sincere yet laid-back loungey pop artistes (Norah Jones, Vanessa Carlton)-come predictably pre-packaged, the spunky spawn of Ozzy and Sharon comes completely unedited, unapologetic and brazenly off-the-cuff.
All canary-yellow electric eyepaint, whacked-out fashion, toilet-brush gothwig and teenage tenacity, the junior Miss Osbourne-who first broke on the musical map with her perfect take on Madonna's "Papa Don't Preach," and advised the world to "Shut Up!"(and is none too likely to take her own advice)-is here to save the femme pop stratosphere. Or at least to give it a kick in the pants. Hell, she's the loudmouth we all wanted to be in high school (or who at least was our best fag-hag friend). What's not to love?
So, here's what we got when we tracked down the rock 'n' roll debutante from hell (or at least from the zip code of 90210)-as her pal/nanny Melinda contributed in the background-to dish with her about pop stars, fame, gay pals and fashion forecasts.
Good morning! Where are you today?
I'm at home in bed.
Isn't it a little late for that?
It's about 11.30-ish.
How does it feel to have your house on a Starline Tour of LA?
So fucking annoying. If I don't park my car in my garage then I can't go get anything out of it. I have to get someone else to go outside and get it for me. Otherwise there¹s, like, 20 people out there with camcorders. It's so dumb. Like, the other day I had my curtains open and if it's nighttime you can see through. And me and Melinda and my friend were dancing 'round my room like complete idiots and I was smacking myself on the arse with a big lollipop and being stupid and some twat outside is filming it! I was soooo embarassed. You can't even fuck around in your own house.
What's the interview question that bores you to tears?
"What's it like to have a camera in your face every day?"
OK, we'll steer clear of that one. Now indulge me... I'm a Brit and you're a Brit (at least an L.A. version of one). Tell me something you can't stand about the U.K.
The way that everyone is still a little bit too uppity. Everyone looks the same and everyone dresses the same and if you don't, you get ridiculed for it. The way that I dress hasn't changed since I was a little kid, and when I used to dress like this‹walking down the streets of London-people would say "what the fuck have you come as?" Some uppity woman came up to me in Selfridges and she said "Look, darling this is a prime example of what you don't want to look like. Why would such a beautiful girl want to dress up with pink hair and look as if she lives on the street?"
That's outrageous.
Well, it's not like I give a shit. I still go there. [laughing] It's my favorite store in London.
Why do you think so many of today's female pop stars-or just female stars in general-all look way too much alike?
I'm telling you, everyone dresses the same! And I don't understand where this look developed from. So fucking boring. Tight jeans or pants so low that your pubes or your crack are basically hanging out. Right now they like that see-through hippy shirt with the boobs sticking out.
So is Kelly Osbourne here to change all of that?
I don't necessarily care. I'll wear what I wear regardless. Someone might tell me I look like an idiot but at least I know that I'm not.
We heard you threw the clothes out that the stylist brought for you for your Interview magazine cover. Is this true?
No! That one actually brought some really good stuff.
Have you ever thrown any out?
I got a little upset with a stylist for a shoot once. I don't have a flat stomach, right? I'm not concerned with that. I'd rather sit and eat what I want than worry about my weight and be miserable. This fucking stylist goes "Wear this shirt, I like the color" and I said "No, I don't want to. It's too small." And she said "We can airbrush a chunk out" and that is so not me. I don't want to do that. Magazine stylists bring all the sample sizes from the designers which are made for models who are fucking tiny.
What's the most retarded thing that anyone's asked you to do?
Just cheesy TV shows where they want you to make a guest appearance. I'm trying to think of the worst...OK, the winner of American Idol, Kelly. They wanted me to do a front cover of a magazine with her and give her tips on how to be famous. Like I'd know! What the fuck do I know? Ask someone else. Ask another Kelly. Ask Kelly from Destiny¹s Child.
How are you feeling about your album, Shut Up?
Really happy.
Say you got a chance to duet with Marilyn Manson, Robbie Williams or your dad. Who do you choose?
Robbie Williams, any day. I really like him and so does my whole family. I've met Marilyn Manson a couple of times and he's a nice guy, just a little weird. I'm over talking about my dad. You were pleased with the success of "Papa Don't Preach"? Seriously, I couldn't believe it.
Nice to hear it amid the pre-fab pop out there.
I cannot stand those production-line bands. I opened for one at G.A.Y. [the gay club in London] and they're very nice guys but I just don't like what they stand for. It's just so unreal.
Is Pink for real?
She's got a great voice and she's a fun person but I don't understand the change. Maybe she's showing her true colors, but one minute she's all hip-hop and now she's totally into rock. I don't get it.
How did the G.A.Y. thing go?
It was so much fun.
Did all the baby gays go mad?
I honestly don't know. I was so nervous I couldn't even look. My friend's got it all on videotape but I haven't seen it yet.
Who's your favorite gay person in the whole world?
Somebody famous?
Famous, not famous. From the whole gay stratosphere.
[Melinda's voice from the background: "Alexis Arquette!"] Oh, let me think. I have the most gay friends. You should ask me who my favorite straight person is. But my favorite... You know what, it's my gay cousin Terry.
When did he come out to you?
All my life. He's like 30 or something. Say 27, he'll love me for that. He's over in England.
And I heard that you've created your own secret language...
Oh, it's me and my hairdresser and my makeup artist. Like, if you see a slut in the room, you can't say "there's a slut." So you say, "she's club sandwich."
And what if they're gay?
What, like, stupid gay or homosexual gay?
Homosexual gay.
Then they're "club fierce."
What's your fashion hint for next season?
Suspenders.
How much was your last cellphone bill?
They're always really cheap. I never use it.
And what's your ringer tone?
I have it on vibrate. I can never hear it when I'm out.
Never "Papa Don't Preach?"
Don't be so stupid! If I have to hear or sing that song one more time I'm gonna kill myself.
Wicked. Thanks, Kelly!
Thank you.
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